What?!?!?!?

So im set to have this baby in 8 days. And my only real issue im having about it all is leaving Boobah. As stated before, I hate the thought of being without her for even a few hours. Let alone days. So I’ve slowly started to entrust her care for a couple of hours here and there to women that I trust completely. It’s still REALLY, REALLY hard for me to let go and let her have play dates w/out me…but it is necessary. So I drop her off when I have a Drs Appt or when im issued an order to so that I may get a few things done. All in all I think ive done it 2-3 times in the past almost 17 months.

The reasons why I have a hard time letting go are WAY too large in number to get into now but let’s just say that I’ve done the therapy thing. In fact, im about 19K poorer and 7 years richer in therapeutic know how and knowledge. I’ve worked on my major mother AND grandmother issues. Hell…I was in therapy for so long that I was one of only 4 patients that my therapist had left and then she RETIRED!!!

Yet…for some reason…it’s 12:36 am and im not in bed anymore because I just had a dream that I was screaming at my grandmother on the phone, while out of my window I see a plane drop out of the sky, to then realize that id left my precious babe in the care of aforementioned grandmother who was now telling me that she was not physically equip to handle my girl and as if in a psychic flash I saw Boobah – with her perfect mullet in place, wearing her red quilted jacket – the one with the faux Burberry lining, and black velvet pants- walking – while looking all around her- kind of walking in circles looking up and around her, as if looking for someone, in a total blizzard in the middle of a 4 lane highway – 4 lanes each side…so does that make it an 8 lane highway? Either way…it was unbearable to see. So the next thing I know im running towards her and finally scoop her up in my arms to then run off the side of the highway to get home.

I woke up saying out loud “ITS ONLY A DREAM, ITS ONLY A DREAM” about 6 times until I was really awake. And when I did finally open my eyes and realize I was in my bedroom and it was 12:34 am I also noticed that my teeth hurt. One more so than the other. So I was either majorly clenching/grinding my teeth – which im hoping is the case – OR the one tooth in which I had a bad cavity filled a year ago is not holding as we had hoped and ill end up with a root canal after I give birth….

Cause THAT’s what I need, huh?

So I say HA to my 7 years of therapy…I wonder how difficult it would be to coax my now retired therapist out of retirement.

C'mon already

id so just love to have this baby already. i was having many random contractions yesterday and everyone was gettin all excited over nothin! this baby will come when he's cut from my womb a week from wed! sigh...it would be fun to have him a tiny bit earlier tho. it's like waiting for christmas...only WORSE! sigh...

Baby

man oh man. im having a baby in 11 days. assuming that i dont go early. its been a whirlwind pregnancy and very luckily enough these last few weeks have been very productive. thanks to my wonderful husband and very fabulous friend Tiarra Mom, i am ready to bring this boy into the world. i even packed my hospital bag this morning. ive had a pile of things on my dresser ready to go...and every day i put my empty bag out on my bed next to the pile. and for some reason...the pile does not make it into the bag. well today it did. i think im just to afraid that once it's packed it means this is all real and hasn't been a dream for the last 7 months.

plus...im also in a constant state of panic and worry about Boobah. i've never left her overnight. i've never left her for more than a couple of hours. she'll be in great hands but i'm still sick to my stomach at the thought that she'll go to bed and wake up without me. i know she'll be fine and recover and never remember it...but i will. and that's what makes me sad.

Help

how to take help and take it gratefully. it's one of the hardest lessons ive ever had to learn.

Thin Mints

so much to talk about STILL...so i just have to bullet for time's sake:

• christimas
• grandparent visits
• new year's eve
• mother passing
• brother visiting
• brother deciding to move back from CA
• working on the best girlfriend friendships besides those i made in college
• having a baby in roughly 4 weeks
• my 16 month old daughter loves thin mints