Doctah-ism

me: hello
Doctah: oh i never thought you'd be there?!!!
me: then why are you calling?

she never ceases to amaze me...

Boo

so Boobah was in her ladybug costume twice this weekend and once more tonight for halloween! we're only going to our 2 neighbors houses but it'll be fun to show her off.

need to clean the car today - its amazing how fast a minivan turns into 'that' minivan. the one i never EVER saw myself driving in the first place but now its not only the one that i never saw myself driving...but its got toys, bottles, cracker bits, finger prints, jackets, blankets, magazines, sippy cups, prego snacks, barettes, gum wrappers, tissues with old gum and cough drops strewn about...need i go on? its G R O S S !!!

i also need to organize the following lists:

wish list
need to buy list
need to do list

with the Boobah II on the way...i need to hyper organize. i try a little bit more every day...and so far...it seems to be working.

some days i REALLY wish i had a touch of OCD...

oh btw...i used to LOVE the time change...now...not so much. can anyone tell me how to explain to a 1 year old that an extra hour of sleep is a blessing? anyone, anyone? Bueller???

Realization

so i think i've FINALLY (maybe not so much) settled into the idea that i'm just about 5 months pregnant. it seemed to take a LOT longer last time but i suppose when you miss the first 4 months...that's what happens.

i'm trying to cherish every day with the Boobah while she is still an only child. she turned one 3 weeks ago and it is really shocking to me that i have a one+ year old. she is so amazing, cool, fabulous and fun. every day she does something new. her latest is walking around looking at stuff while swinging her arms and clapping her hands together. it's as if she's surveying her stuff and the world around her and making an assessment on all of it. she just kills me. sometimes i change her out of her pjs in the am into her clothes so her pjs are left on my bed. and then at night i end up cuddling and sleeping with the pjs from the day before...i just love love love (infinity) her.

my husband and i are still in shock about baby #2 but we're embracing the idea and we know that it'll be so fabulous once HE is here. yes...it's a boy. we found out a couple of weeks ago. not that we care but it'll be nice to have a different experience.

so ive started designing Boobah's new room in my head. we're moving her out of the nursery which is the smallest room in the house and over to one of our bigger bedrooms before the baby comes.

so we're off to a bday/halloween party for Boobah's friend John. he's going as Elvis...i can't wait to see him! she's going as a ladybug. too cute, too cute.

Soooooooo...

its been an 'interesting' week. my boobah girl turns 1 next week and she's nothing short of an absolute doll. she's walking, babbling, playing and all in all being very charming every second of every day. just when we thought our lives couldn't get any better...or any busier...SURPRISE...

here's my story...

since boobah stopped nursing 3 months ago ive been feeling extremely anxious and nervous. ALL THE TIME. and sleepless. very sleepless. i was dozing for about 3-4 hours each night. but not in a row. at least i could have dealt with that. so i let it go thinking it was b/c of the hormones working their way out of my body post-nursing. so i kept thinking 'this too shall pass' and it's just normal and not to worry.

but i was worried. it didnt make sense to me. so i finally finally called the dr and made an appt with our FABULOUS NP Megan T. For 2 weeks from when i called. I figured...I can wait that long. So 2 weeks came and went and vioila I was talking to Megan about all of this on Wednesday, September 21st.

I told her all of my symptoms and she came to the logical conclusion. I was stressed. Overly stressed. So she prescribed me Lexipro to take the edge off for a few months and then we'd revisit this and see how I was doing. I was on-board and ready to start. Considering I'd taken Celexa a few years ago, I knew that it would definitely help. I also mentioned a couple of other minor things that were bothering me.

1. I hadn't gotten my period since I stopped nursing. (or at all for that matter since having the baby)
2. I couldn't hear out of my left ear.

So...they tried unsuccessfully to flush my ear out and told me to go get drops and to come back on Friday, September 23rd. I think great...I'll be calm and able to hear in no time.

She also wanted to be safe and draw blood to check a few basic things (iron, WBC, RBC, pregnancy...mind you...i've been on the pill since I had Boobah 12 months ago) and to make sure my thyriod was working correctly. She was thinking in some off chance that might have been to blame for my hormone imbalance.

Friday morning Boobah and I go to the grocery store around 8. We came back around 9 and ther was a message from Nurse Mary asking me if I can call them back. Hmmmm...I think. How odd. So I call and Mary asks if I can come in 15 minutes early (mind you...my appt isn't until 1:00) to 'discuss my test results'. I'm thinking...if this crazy lady is thinking that I'm waiting 4 hours to 'discuss my test results' she is sadly, sadly mistaken. So I say...'Mary, have you seen my results?' She said that she had not. I asked for Megan to call me because I would have gone mental waiting to find out what was horribly wrong with me and how large the tumor was.

So I'm pacing my house and Megan calls. She sounds somber. I start to shake on the phone with her and sit down on my bed bracing for the worst. Convo goes as follows:

me: Megan - what is wrong with me?
Megan: Nothing...you're fine. You're pregnant. And I'm estimating you're anywhere between 5-12 weeks.

me:





and i started hysterically crying. I was in such shock.

Megan: I know you're very surprised. I am in shock as well. This is the last thing I expected to see on these test results.

me:





more crying...
Megan: Stop taking the Lexipro and the pill. Come in today at 3 and we'll examine you.


me:ok

Sooooooooo...

I call Sarah and my husband and am just shellshocked. Hubby comes home a little after that and we all go to the drs office where I am welcomed with pitty party smiles and waves. So they show me the lab results. The hormone levels of someone who is newly pregnant are around 5-10...

i was at 43,000

YES...43,000

I then had an internal exam. Megan then estimated that based on the size of my uterus...I was roughly 16 weeks along.

Mind you...i'm still in shock.

So they set me up with an U/S @ MWH for Monday. I go in on Monday and they tell me that based on the measurements of the baby I am indeed 15 weeks and 5 days along. Making today (Friday, September 30th) the first day of my 16th week.

The baby is fine. There is a lovely heartbeat and everything looked great. They are even 95% sure it's a boy. Which is pretty cool.

Sooooooooooooooooo...here I am one week later and the news has slowly started to seep in and the shock isn't so overpowering now.

Boobah and mini-boobah will be 16 months apart. I'm due March 16th.

Oh btw...Not only was I on the pill all this time BUT I was also nursing when I conceived.

A big ole thumbs up the the UNIVERSE. Apparently it was sick and tired of me saying that we only wanted one child and that we were sure we were done having any more kids.

In the famous words of Nelson Muntz...

HAHA

September

as Earth, Wind, and Fire said it best..."dancin in September"...god i love the fall. or the almost fall. i do love the summer but i cant wait until regular season football games start, long sleeve, comfy sweaters and sweatshirts and hot beverages. i also can't believe that tomorrow is Boobah's 11 month birthday. amazing...

we're having a little soiree for her in a month with only family and a tiny little playgroup party with my fab friends and their fab babies a few days before that. nothing elaborate...just a gathering.

labor day weekend was so fun. 2 pool parties and one glorious impromptu bbq brought a great closing to the end of summer...unofficially anyways.

just a quick post as i get into pjs and settle in with the September edition of Vogue. its a tradition with me...that and W magazine. after all...it is September...THE month in fashion all year.

can't wait to see where the hemlines rest this year!!!

oh the excitement!!!

His Perspective

so as im falling asleep last night i had a realization. i relax (for the most part) from the time that Boobah goes to bed until the time that i go to bed. when i go to bed i start to feel the 2 ton elephant sitting on my chest again. and i said this to my husband last night as we settled into bed. i said that i tense up as im falling asleep (or trying to) because i'm already stressing about the next day to come. his take on it is as such...and i think it's BRILLIANT. he said...don't think of it as the end of this day rolling into the beginning of the next...think of it as you've worked so hard all day and sleeping is the big reward that you need/get to enjoy at the end of the day.

simple...yet i would never have thought of it on my own.

this is just one of the gillions of reasons i married him...

Dreams

so 2 nights ago i had a dream that i kept calling my old boss at work and calling in sick because i didnt want to put Boobah in daycare. so for almost a year (i haven't worked in about that long) i called in sick. so they finally told me that if i didnt stop calling in sick i would be fired. so i had no choice and i put Boobah in our dog's crate and went to work. i came home at lunch to feed her and then had to go back to work. mind you...THIS WAS ONLY A DREAM. in the same dream i also came home to her eating dog poop. sooooooooooo...either i'm getting my dogs/puppies mixed up with the baby or i'm just going completely mental. but it was such a horrible nightmare to see her in the dog's crate when i walked in the door to my house...my stomach flips at the mere memory of it. i hate dreams that haunt me for days after i have them.

Self Induced Stress

i don't know why but it seems to be getting worse. i'm so stressed and nervous that im not a good enough mom or that i don't do enough around the house to "pull my weight" as i like to call it. my husband CONSTANTLY tells me that im doing a fabulous job and that it's both of our jobs to maintain the house and not just mine since my focus is on Boobah. i told him just last night that i feel that since i dont contribute a salary in terms of $$$ that the LEAST i can do is keep an immaculate house and raise our wonderful daughter. he tells me that i really need to calm down. he's ordered me to watch one of the 8 episodes of The 4400 that we've been Tivoing for the last 8 weeks once a day. and that i can fold laundry or do nothing or whatever i want but that i must sit and watch one a day. so i said that id try. im such a stressed out freak that i've given myself a coldsore on my lip. i usually get them when im about to get or have a cold but this one is definitely stress induced. ugh. so that just adds insult to injury.

Little Tikes Kitchen - Used and Free

so not only do i realize on a day to day basis how much Boobah has changed me but there are certain days in particular that it is most obvious...today is one of those days. i formerly would thrive on shopping for purses, clothes, accessories, and product. i have the unique ability to shop for hours on end without food, water or rest. now due to money and time constraints...those days are few and far between limited to but not without exception to birthdays and the holidays.

however...i found something yesterday that fills that void and makes me even happier...i was on a walk yesterday and outside of one of the houses was a pretend kitchen...and the sign on it said FREE. well...it doesn't get better than that. in my 'richer and younger' days i would not so much as glanced at the dirty, dusty, cobweb filled old toy...but i now look at it with mommy eyes and think...I'LL TAKE IT! thinking Boobah will love opening and closing the doors and standing up at it. and as she gets older she'll actually be able to pretend play.

so i rang the doorbell and told them that i was interested and that i'd be back shortly with the car. so after our walk i came back with the van and the husband helped me load it into my van. so i just spent a half an hour outside with it scrubbing it down and making some minor repairs. i lugged it up to the living room and put it under a window. i can't tell you how excited i am to have this for her and i can't wait until she gets up from her nap so she can play with it!! its got a fridge that she can open and close and put stuff in as well as a dishwasher and a stove and a microwave. it's the cutest thing ever. (and it makes a lovely addition to our living room!! hahaha) so now ive been on line looking for play pots and pans and play food. i'm thinking that'll be good stuff to get her for her bday.


after my long tale...im sitting here thinking that nothing that i could ever get at bloomingdales or anywhere else could make me happier than having an adorable - used and FREE pretend kitchen in my living room.

sigh...i love being a mom.

Floater

so its a floater...apparently the vitreous gel inside your eye can become dehydrated and small pieces turn less viscoius causing the 'floater'. who knew? its a small spot and nothing to worry about. the dr said that it would eventually go away but that it could take some time. so he said to do my best to ignore it and not focus on it as that could cause headaches. but other than that all is well with my eyes...perfect vision and perfect pressure. YAY!

What goes around comes around...karma at it's finest...

what goes around comes around...i'm a firm believer in it. karma has a funny way of working itself out. sometimes it takes a lifetime...and sometimes it takes 16 years.

i started this post WAY ago and now i dont really need to finish it...

for the karma finally came and went and she is now in peace...

Today

So...even though there are days when I truly need a Zanax because the 2 ton elephant won't get off my chest there are days that are just the opposite when I do what I can do and I get done what I can and I don't worry about the rest. Today is pretty much one of those days. I went to my WW meeting and weighed in and surprisingly lost a half of a pound. I know it's not a lot but since I'm down 32 now...it's at least something. Kendall has been nothing but smiles today. My favorite of the day has been when I stop the car and open her door she starts kicking and flailing her arms about and laughing. Like there's nothing more exciting than getting out of the car! It just cracks me up. And she likes being in the car...I just think she gets excited that we're going to do something else.

So I go to the eye doctor tonight for this 'spot'. It's so very annoying and I hope hope he can do something to correct it.

Other than that all is well with Wednesday.

Mother

My mom's health is declining somewhat rapidly. This came as a surprise to me. I guess I had always just convinced myself that in the state she's in she could live for another 30 years. I just assumed that since there are no toxins going into her body and that she is relatively stress free that her body would simply exist. As it turns out, she has been fighting multiple non-related infections for about a month now. She has repeated bladder/kidney infections, her feeding tube continues to get infected causing a more serious infection deeper in her intestines, she has a parasitic (sp?) rash last week, she has fevers that spike and then drop really low and no one can figure out why. She also has Hepititis C. And they are not sure how long she has had it or where she contracted it. But it's kind of a moot point now. But anyway, we met with her Dr. on Sunday (we - being me, my husband and The Doctah). He explained to us that they could keep administering antibiotics but she'll keep getting infections and it will prolong her suffering. So we expressed our feelings that at this point we'd like her kept comfortable but we do not want any infections treated with antibiotics. So she is on a constant morphine drip - it's a very small dose - but enough that she's not feeling any pain. She seemed very comfortable and relaxed on Sunday when we visited with her. The Dr. didn't give us a definitive time frame but he said that if she contracted something like pnemonia, that she would not last through it. I'm doing ok with it all. It's still kind of surreal to me and I'm sure it'll hit me eventually but I think after 16 years she's just ready to go and tired of just 'existing'.

Blurred Vision

So I woke up Saturday morning with a small dot on my left eye..or I should say IN my left eye. At first I thought it was a dust particle or something of the like but as it turns out it's not removable. Quite frankly, it's freaking me out. I'm headed to the opthamologist (sp?) tomorrow night but I am freaking out. What if I'm slowly going blind and that is the first spot of blindness???

I'm looking on WebMD and I'm not finding anything!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!

Peter Jennings (may you rest in peace) LOOK OUT!!

1. You can be your ideal weight AND height (winkwink), but it is at the cost of your tastebuds. Do you do it?

I didn't even have to contemplate this...YES!! This is definitely an automatic yes. I've been at my ideal weight before and it's FANTASTIC being that thin. But as a sacrifice to being that thin I could eat NOTHING fun anyways. Only salad and chicken...so...if I had to sacrifice my tastebuds...so be it. I'm ok with my height...have such great clothes that I've spent hundreds, if not thousands altering to my munchkin leg size so I'd hate to not be able to wear them.

Although, I'd probably regret it. I remember reading a book when I was little about a boy who loved chocolate so much that he wished that everything he ate tasted like chocolate. After about a day of this *gift* he was so miserable...that would be me. But at LEAST I'd be thin!! And as my grandmother always says...nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Pretty twisted, huh?

2. What is the most amazing thing your husband has ever said to you?

He ALWAYS, ALWAYS tells me that I look amazing (even when i know i don't) and that I'm a fabulous mom and a wonderful wife and that he loves me. It's all I ever really need to hear to make me happy. =)

3. Name one of your irrational fears.

Hmmmm...I don't know that I have any fears that I consider irrational. I spent 7 years in therapy dealing with most of my insanity...so I guess I'd say that my biggest fear would be turning out like my mother. A former party girl turned drunk/druggie/sex offender. Not my idea of a bright future. And now that I have a 10 month old daughter my biggest fear is that I don't do enough for her or that I'm not there enough for her or that I don't make her laugh enough. Even though I *know* I do and everyone always tells me that I do...I'm always worried that I'm not focusing enough on every detail and that makes me insane and I suppose fearful as well. I do my best to keep it all in check. There are days when I really miss my therapist.

4. Tell us about your most embarrassing moment.

My most hated emotion has always been embarassment. Years ago I used to get embarassed if I did something as small as tripping over the imaginary bump in the carpet in a public place. You all know what I'm talking about...that piece of carpet that a inexplicably causes you to heave forward hoping that you don't land face down at the mall or in your office cafeteria? Yeah...it's happened to you too. You look around to see if anyone saw you and if they did you look down at the ground to see if there really was something there that caused you to trip for no reason. And when there isn't anything there you start silently scolding the floor for making you trip...sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...that said...

Since becoming a mother...NOTHING embarasses me anymore. Childbirth alone is the single most humbling experience in the world. So the only time in recent days that I've been truly embarassed to the point where my cheeks turned red is when my husband figured out how to connect the Tivo to our computer in the house to scroll through all of our music and photos via the tv. It's pretty nifty actually. I can listen to any music we have on our computer via our stereo and I can review any photos we have on the nice big tv. So we had my sister-in-law and her husband over a few weeks ago for our standard Sunday night dinner and we were showing this feature off by going through old pictures of our daughter. As we were marveling at how tiny she really was when we first brought her home I had forgotten that my husband had taken a few pictures of me in the tub with her a couple of days after we came home. Clearly I was in the tub with no clothes on...days after just having a child. So needless to say, I looked like a mother manatee. So as we're scrolling through adorable infant pictures all of a sudden...in color, 32" wide...there I am...in all of my blubbery, manatee glory...on the screen. I wanted to scream....oh wait...I did scream!! And then my eyes started to water up from the sheer embarassment of the moment. And of course I can't get to the Tivo remote fast enough to get to the next photo...it seemed like an eternity that I was up on that screen. So we all sat there for a moment giggling...meanwhile...I was DYING inside. My face was burning. I tried to play it off so cool like it didn't bother me...but...ugh. It was horrible!

5. You can have any super power you want. What is it?

I would want the ability to see into the future. But as an aside to that...I would want the ability to see into the future and be able to influence my decisions based on what I already knew. I know it seems selfish...but I would do my best to only use it to steer my life and the lives of people I knew into the right direction. It would make things a lot simpler if you just knew a little more rather than having it all be a guessing game.

Want to play?

The Official Interview Game Rules:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below asking to be interviewed.
2.I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

im a believer

some days i cant believe how very lucky i am. i force myself daily to stop and look at my life and think...this is my life. and i wouldnt want to change ANYTHING about it.

see this is why i don't keep a journal. i started this post on june 23rd and i'm just getting back to it today. well...i suppose that's what it's all about. just writing when the moment strikes you.

lots has been going on....boobah has sprouted 3 teeth with another one on the way. i think on top...we've stopped nursing. much to my chagrin. im very sad about it but trying to push through it by hyper organizing my house and life. i clean and clean and clean and organize and launder and walk and swim. and it all helps take my mind off it.

im in DIRE DIRE need of some retail therapy but dont have the money to satisfy my need. so i continue to clean and clean and clean and organize and launder and walk and swim.

oh and i drink the Turbo Ice Coffee from DD. it's what gets me through the day. that and a couple of motrin. it all takes the edge off.

im beyond lucky to have kaye, sheree, and nita. my mommy friends without whom the days would SUCK. we get together at least 2 times a week if not more and its just such a nice way to break up the day and to have that necessary interaction that we all need. for the kids but also for each other.

Watering hole

so i tried to convince my husband to let me join the local country club for the summer...a family membership costs a mere $1450 a summer. and that includes a lot. but with the arrival of the boobah this year, me leaving work, as well as the new puppy...we just can't swing it. sooooooooo...i went in search of a local, cheap, swimming alternative. and i found it!! thanks to our neighbor Carver. there is a park with a manmade pond in a nearby town. so we went and checked it out and it rocks. it's treated and cleaned by the town and nicely maintained. it's got a small beach, grassy areas, a nice playground, docks in the water, and a snackbar. so i've found our cheap hangout this summer. it's a little deliciously poor white trash but nothing that i can't handle. hey...rich white trash is what hangs out at the CC so i'd get it either way.

i went there with a fellow mommy friend and her son and it was a smashing good time! we swam and played in the sand and enjoyed the GORGEOUS weather that we've been graced with. i also went back this weekend with my husband and the boobah. oh it's going to be a fabulous summer...i can tell already!!

Peek A Boo

so you would think that her 73 year old GREAT-grandmother would want nothing more than to hold her great-grand-daughter and play with her. after all..73 is very young to be a GGmother. or so mine keeps telling EVERYONE who will listen. form the clerk at CVS, to every waiter, waitress, and hostess around, to every associate at Chico's, as well as random people on the street. but no...she's just content to sit back and watch me do all the work while she gets to brag all about her. its odd really...if she ever does hold her...it's because i ask her to for a minute while i get her things together as we're ready to leave whatever restaurant we've just had lunch in. she's never changed a diaper, an outfit, she's NEVER actually played with her. she only chants the following to her...

gaamie loves you
loves you
loves you
gammie loves you
loves you
loves you

over and over and over again.

its like she can't think of anything better to say to her. and boobah just looks at her and her crypt keeper appearance as if to say "what in the world are you talkin about lady?"

it's quite a sight.

so i've determined that she loves her...but more importantly to her is that she loves the IDEA of her rather than having to actually take care of her.

now that im 32 i finally understand why my mother and aunt were so FKD up!!

The Doctah

she's titled that b/c she claimes to have her Phd in something...psychology...but you'd be damned to know it. she uses the Dr. title as if she were an MD. she LOVES it. uses it when it suits her needs...restaurant reservations, drs appts, her answering machine, checks and credit cards, when introducing herself, on stationery and cards. anywhere that someone could notice and ask about it. it makes her feel important and feeds on the gigantic ego that she's got. she really does think shes the queen bee matriarch of all time. and we're going to visit her today. hell...it's easier than her coming here. smoking her carlton menthol 12o's around my baby and making outrageous claims like she invented the question mark. (ok so that's a line from Austin Powers) but STILL. she's that nutty. let's see...things that she's claimed over the years that i know for a fact are out and out lies...

*she went to law school - ok..it just didnt happen
*she met fidel castro...yes...for real...she sticks to that story-aye dios mio
*she dated 3 of the most wealthy men in Boston - in the 70's - and they all asked her to marry them...despite the fact that she was a single mother with 3 kids
*she's the best mother in the world - "i did everything for those girls!!"
*i've been nothing but nice to everyone! so...why won't they take my trash out?
*i'm no bother to anyone!

There are easily 1,000 more but i'll have to update as time goes on...

yeowch!

so who knew that after almost 8 blissful months of successful and wonderful breastfeeding that it might all have to end so fast? the boobah now has 2 teeth. her 2 bottom teeth and they are like 2 razors. she's bit me 4 times total over the past week and everytime she does it i yelp and scare the shit out of her. we don't ever yell in my house so she's just not used to raised voices. so the poor girl instantly stares at me with those big, beautiful, innocent eyes totally freaked out and then starts to cry. so i start to cry. not necessarily because it hurts (and it REALLY hurts) but because i feel so guilty and horrible that i've scared her. so after this fiasco last night, i got her to bed per usual and realized that i was in a horrible funk. i feel this pit inside of my stomach like i've done something wrong...yet i haven't. but i can't explain this feeling...i had hoped to breastfeed her for a year so i wouldn't have to use formula but if it keeps happening i'll have to. because now everytime i feed her i'm tense, waiting for her to bite.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....