His Perspective

so as im falling asleep last night i had a realization. i relax (for the most part) from the time that Boobah goes to bed until the time that i go to bed. when i go to bed i start to feel the 2 ton elephant sitting on my chest again. and i said this to my husband last night as we settled into bed. i said that i tense up as im falling asleep (or trying to) because i'm already stressing about the next day to come. his take on it is as such...and i think it's BRILLIANT. he said...don't think of it as the end of this day rolling into the beginning of the next...think of it as you've worked so hard all day and sleeping is the big reward that you need/get to enjoy at the end of the day.

simple...yet i would never have thought of it on my own.

this is just one of the gillions of reasons i married him...

Dreams

so 2 nights ago i had a dream that i kept calling my old boss at work and calling in sick because i didnt want to put Boobah in daycare. so for almost a year (i haven't worked in about that long) i called in sick. so they finally told me that if i didnt stop calling in sick i would be fired. so i had no choice and i put Boobah in our dog's crate and went to work. i came home at lunch to feed her and then had to go back to work. mind you...THIS WAS ONLY A DREAM. in the same dream i also came home to her eating dog poop. sooooooooooo...either i'm getting my dogs/puppies mixed up with the baby or i'm just going completely mental. but it was such a horrible nightmare to see her in the dog's crate when i walked in the door to my house...my stomach flips at the mere memory of it. i hate dreams that haunt me for days after i have them.

Self Induced Stress

i don't know why but it seems to be getting worse. i'm so stressed and nervous that im not a good enough mom or that i don't do enough around the house to "pull my weight" as i like to call it. my husband CONSTANTLY tells me that im doing a fabulous job and that it's both of our jobs to maintain the house and not just mine since my focus is on Boobah. i told him just last night that i feel that since i dont contribute a salary in terms of $$$ that the LEAST i can do is keep an immaculate house and raise our wonderful daughter. he tells me that i really need to calm down. he's ordered me to watch one of the 8 episodes of The 4400 that we've been Tivoing for the last 8 weeks once a day. and that i can fold laundry or do nothing or whatever i want but that i must sit and watch one a day. so i said that id try. im such a stressed out freak that i've given myself a coldsore on my lip. i usually get them when im about to get or have a cold but this one is definitely stress induced. ugh. so that just adds insult to injury.

Little Tikes Kitchen - Used and Free

so not only do i realize on a day to day basis how much Boobah has changed me but there are certain days in particular that it is most obvious...today is one of those days. i formerly would thrive on shopping for purses, clothes, accessories, and product. i have the unique ability to shop for hours on end without food, water or rest. now due to money and time constraints...those days are few and far between limited to but not without exception to birthdays and the holidays.

however...i found something yesterday that fills that void and makes me even happier...i was on a walk yesterday and outside of one of the houses was a pretend kitchen...and the sign on it said FREE. well...it doesn't get better than that. in my 'richer and younger' days i would not so much as glanced at the dirty, dusty, cobweb filled old toy...but i now look at it with mommy eyes and think...I'LL TAKE IT! thinking Boobah will love opening and closing the doors and standing up at it. and as she gets older she'll actually be able to pretend play.

so i rang the doorbell and told them that i was interested and that i'd be back shortly with the car. so after our walk i came back with the van and the husband helped me load it into my van. so i just spent a half an hour outside with it scrubbing it down and making some minor repairs. i lugged it up to the living room and put it under a window. i can't tell you how excited i am to have this for her and i can't wait until she gets up from her nap so she can play with it!! its got a fridge that she can open and close and put stuff in as well as a dishwasher and a stove and a microwave. it's the cutest thing ever. (and it makes a lovely addition to our living room!! hahaha) so now ive been on line looking for play pots and pans and play food. i'm thinking that'll be good stuff to get her for her bday.


after my long tale...im sitting here thinking that nothing that i could ever get at bloomingdales or anywhere else could make me happier than having an adorable - used and FREE pretend kitchen in my living room.

sigh...i love being a mom.

Floater

so its a floater...apparently the vitreous gel inside your eye can become dehydrated and small pieces turn less viscoius causing the 'floater'. who knew? its a small spot and nothing to worry about. the dr said that it would eventually go away but that it could take some time. so he said to do my best to ignore it and not focus on it as that could cause headaches. but other than that all is well with my eyes...perfect vision and perfect pressure. YAY!

What goes around comes around...karma at it's finest...

what goes around comes around...i'm a firm believer in it. karma has a funny way of working itself out. sometimes it takes a lifetime...and sometimes it takes 16 years.

i started this post WAY ago and now i dont really need to finish it...

for the karma finally came and went and she is now in peace...

Today

So...even though there are days when I truly need a Zanax because the 2 ton elephant won't get off my chest there are days that are just the opposite when I do what I can do and I get done what I can and I don't worry about the rest. Today is pretty much one of those days. I went to my WW meeting and weighed in and surprisingly lost a half of a pound. I know it's not a lot but since I'm down 32 now...it's at least something. Kendall has been nothing but smiles today. My favorite of the day has been when I stop the car and open her door she starts kicking and flailing her arms about and laughing. Like there's nothing more exciting than getting out of the car! It just cracks me up. And she likes being in the car...I just think she gets excited that we're going to do something else.

So I go to the eye doctor tonight for this 'spot'. It's so very annoying and I hope hope he can do something to correct it.

Other than that all is well with Wednesday.

Mother

My mom's health is declining somewhat rapidly. This came as a surprise to me. I guess I had always just convinced myself that in the state she's in she could live for another 30 years. I just assumed that since there are no toxins going into her body and that she is relatively stress free that her body would simply exist. As it turns out, she has been fighting multiple non-related infections for about a month now. She has repeated bladder/kidney infections, her feeding tube continues to get infected causing a more serious infection deeper in her intestines, she has a parasitic (sp?) rash last week, she has fevers that spike and then drop really low and no one can figure out why. She also has Hepititis C. And they are not sure how long she has had it or where she contracted it. But it's kind of a moot point now. But anyway, we met with her Dr. on Sunday (we - being me, my husband and The Doctah). He explained to us that they could keep administering antibiotics but she'll keep getting infections and it will prolong her suffering. So we expressed our feelings that at this point we'd like her kept comfortable but we do not want any infections treated with antibiotics. So she is on a constant morphine drip - it's a very small dose - but enough that she's not feeling any pain. She seemed very comfortable and relaxed on Sunday when we visited with her. The Dr. didn't give us a definitive time frame but he said that if she contracted something like pnemonia, that she would not last through it. I'm doing ok with it all. It's still kind of surreal to me and I'm sure it'll hit me eventually but I think after 16 years she's just ready to go and tired of just 'existing'.

Blurred Vision

So I woke up Saturday morning with a small dot on my left eye..or I should say IN my left eye. At first I thought it was a dust particle or something of the like but as it turns out it's not removable. Quite frankly, it's freaking me out. I'm headed to the opthamologist (sp?) tomorrow night but I am freaking out. What if I'm slowly going blind and that is the first spot of blindness???

I'm looking on WebMD and I'm not finding anything!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!

Peter Jennings (may you rest in peace) LOOK OUT!!

1. You can be your ideal weight AND height (winkwink), but it is at the cost of your tastebuds. Do you do it?

I didn't even have to contemplate this...YES!! This is definitely an automatic yes. I've been at my ideal weight before and it's FANTASTIC being that thin. But as a sacrifice to being that thin I could eat NOTHING fun anyways. Only salad and chicken...so...if I had to sacrifice my tastebuds...so be it. I'm ok with my height...have such great clothes that I've spent hundreds, if not thousands altering to my munchkin leg size so I'd hate to not be able to wear them.

Although, I'd probably regret it. I remember reading a book when I was little about a boy who loved chocolate so much that he wished that everything he ate tasted like chocolate. After about a day of this *gift* he was so miserable...that would be me. But at LEAST I'd be thin!! And as my grandmother always says...nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Pretty twisted, huh?

2. What is the most amazing thing your husband has ever said to you?

He ALWAYS, ALWAYS tells me that I look amazing (even when i know i don't) and that I'm a fabulous mom and a wonderful wife and that he loves me. It's all I ever really need to hear to make me happy. =)

3. Name one of your irrational fears.

Hmmmm...I don't know that I have any fears that I consider irrational. I spent 7 years in therapy dealing with most of my insanity...so I guess I'd say that my biggest fear would be turning out like my mother. A former party girl turned drunk/druggie/sex offender. Not my idea of a bright future. And now that I have a 10 month old daughter my biggest fear is that I don't do enough for her or that I'm not there enough for her or that I don't make her laugh enough. Even though I *know* I do and everyone always tells me that I do...I'm always worried that I'm not focusing enough on every detail and that makes me insane and I suppose fearful as well. I do my best to keep it all in check. There are days when I really miss my therapist.

4. Tell us about your most embarrassing moment.

My most hated emotion has always been embarassment. Years ago I used to get embarassed if I did something as small as tripping over the imaginary bump in the carpet in a public place. You all know what I'm talking about...that piece of carpet that a inexplicably causes you to heave forward hoping that you don't land face down at the mall or in your office cafeteria? Yeah...it's happened to you too. You look around to see if anyone saw you and if they did you look down at the ground to see if there really was something there that caused you to trip for no reason. And when there isn't anything there you start silently scolding the floor for making you trip...sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...that said...

Since becoming a mother...NOTHING embarasses me anymore. Childbirth alone is the single most humbling experience in the world. So the only time in recent days that I've been truly embarassed to the point where my cheeks turned red is when my husband figured out how to connect the Tivo to our computer in the house to scroll through all of our music and photos via the tv. It's pretty nifty actually. I can listen to any music we have on our computer via our stereo and I can review any photos we have on the nice big tv. So we had my sister-in-law and her husband over a few weeks ago for our standard Sunday night dinner and we were showing this feature off by going through old pictures of our daughter. As we were marveling at how tiny she really was when we first brought her home I had forgotten that my husband had taken a few pictures of me in the tub with her a couple of days after we came home. Clearly I was in the tub with no clothes on...days after just having a child. So needless to say, I looked like a mother manatee. So as we're scrolling through adorable infant pictures all of a sudden...in color, 32" wide...there I am...in all of my blubbery, manatee glory...on the screen. I wanted to scream....oh wait...I did scream!! And then my eyes started to water up from the sheer embarassment of the moment. And of course I can't get to the Tivo remote fast enough to get to the next photo...it seemed like an eternity that I was up on that screen. So we all sat there for a moment giggling...meanwhile...I was DYING inside. My face was burning. I tried to play it off so cool like it didn't bother me...but...ugh. It was horrible!

5. You can have any super power you want. What is it?

I would want the ability to see into the future. But as an aside to that...I would want the ability to see into the future and be able to influence my decisions based on what I already knew. I know it seems selfish...but I would do my best to only use it to steer my life and the lives of people I knew into the right direction. It would make things a lot simpler if you just knew a little more rather than having it all be a guessing game.

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